September 1, 2009

• 11 1/2 Weeks and a Doctor Visit

  So yesterday was the big day! I went to bed early Wednesday night so that I'd be capable of waking up at 8:30, getting dressed, getting my wheelchair in the car, and driving to the doctor's office all by myself. (Notice I did not include a shower. I didn't want to push it!)

  I had a Slim Fast for breakfast. I'm not trying to lose weight of course, it's just that it's been getting harder and harder for me to eat real food. I get hungry, sometimes, but nothing ever sounds good. I'm not losing weight or anything, yet, but I might if food doesn't start getting more appealing! I don't want meat very often (Except chicken occasionally. My homemade fried chicken especially.) I never want "heavy" meals, opting instead for a can of fruit or slice of bread with some crackers. I'm not really nauseated all the time, I just don't feel great, and the idea of putting food in my mouth is rarely appetizing. And for a food lover like myself, it's weird.

  I didn't realize until I was almost there that my hands were shaking. I was so nervous. I said a quick prayer as I sat at a stop light. I didn't know whether they would actually listen for a heartbeat or not, and the possibility made me so anxious. I made it to the office right on time, calling for some minor directions on the way. I only made it halfway through a Taylor Swift article in Glamour magazine before they called me back. I saw the same nurse I saw last time. She asked me how I was feeling, and was great at empathizing with my exhaustion. After I told her how tired I'd been, she said, "It's not just tired, honey. It's fatigue beyond fatigue, huh? Feel like you don't even wanna lift your arm right?" And I was like, "Yes! Exactly!" It was nice to have someone that understood.

  She brought me back to the room, mentioning that this would be a short visit since they would only check the heartbeat. My own heartbeat quickened. I was so excited and nervous that I started sweating. My doctor met with me immediately. I got myself up on the table, expecting him to roll some huge cart in. Instead, he pulled what looked like a walkman radio out of his pocket. He cautioned me that it was still early and we might not be able to hear a heartbeat, and that didn't necessarily mean anything bad. I was just thinking, "Hurry up already before my hands shake me off this table or I get sweat stains on my shirt!"

  He had me hold my pants down out of the way which was a little awkward, but it least it gave me something to do with my trembling hands. He stuck the little doppler device thing down on the right side of my lower abdomen. He was pushing down really hard and I was a little worried that even if my baby was okay, he was gonna squish him/her! I could feel my own heartbeat, but the only noises coming from the little walkman were static. It felt like an eternity and each passing second made me more nervous and more sweaty. He moved around over the left side of my belly and I was starting to worry. Really, only 10 or 15 seconds had gone by, but it felt so much longer in the moment.

  I'm sure the anxiety was evident on my face. I was listening so hard and praying so intently for a good sign.

  Then all of a sudden there it was in the static. A quick, steady, and loud "thump thump thump." I felt my heart flutter and I got this instant grin on my face. It was just as much a spiritual experience as I've ever had at church camps or Mormon Tabernacle Choir performances. My whole chest felt warm and I was so incredibly happy and relieved. I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh, but mostly I wanted Jeremy to know, or better yet, to be there with me. The doctor moved around for a better listen and I was already longing to hear it again. He found it again and we listened a little longer. Really, it sounded just like it does on TV watching baby shows. But hearing that sound come out of my own body was so much more surreal and remarkable. It was magical, really. Better than even Main Street U.S.A. in Magic Kingdom at night.

  The doctor said everything sounded and looked good, and that my uterus was the right size for that week. I was so excited and bursting to call Jeremy that I totally forgot about all the questions and concerns I had planned on asking the doctor about. He congratulated me again that I either had a baby in my belly or a hamburger with a heartbeat. Something like that. He's got a goofy sense of humor. I just kept smiling and nodding like a giddy idiot.

  As I left I did think to ask him whether it was safe to tell the world our news. He said that since there was a heartbeat, my chance of miscarriage was extremely low. He also said everything looks great, and there's no reason to expect things to go badly. However, I still have three weeks of possible miscarriage time, so he said if I were his daughter, he'd advise me to wait another three weeks.

  And that was it. The whole appointment lasted maybe six or seven minutes.

  I got out to the car and called Jeremy at work. It was such a relief to have good news! Really, if things had gone wrong, I was dreading calling Jeremy the most. I just don't know what I even would have said. I don't want to think about it.

  Jeremy was super excited of course, and I told him every detail of the visit. After a few sweet moments with him, I called my mom. And that set off a whole day of phone calls. I'm scared to figure out how many minutes I used that day. Thank goodness for roll over minutes! I called the few family members that already knew I was pregnant to let them know that everything was going well. They all knew I had an appointment, and were waiting for the word. I went ahead and called the rest of the family that didn't know. Even though I'm waiting a few weeks to announce it to everyone, I wanted my family, and Jeremy's family to know now.

  So it looks like I may be having a baby after all. I can feel myself starting to let my guard down and let the reality in. It's so weird. And still a little scary.

  Jer and I can't wait for 20 weeks to find out if it's a boy or girl. I think we will pay the $59 or so at the mall to get an early 4D ultrasound. The Fetal Studio is up in Sandy, and they can sometimes tell the gender as early as 11 weeks! We are gonna wait another week or two so that hopefully, we will be able to find out for sure when we go up there. I can't wait any longer! I want to start buying girl things or boy things NOW.

  This was a great way to end my day. It's been a really tough day, full of exhaustion, nausea, and pain from ligaments stretching, but now I've forgotten all that as I think about that little heartbeat pattering away in my tummy.

  • 5:13 pm
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