The big event this week has been...movement! I feel the baby kick every single day now. And a lot! She's become my special little friend that lives in my belly. And she has definite patterns to her routine. I sometimes go a few hours in midday without feeling any nudges, but after meals and especially during prime time television at night, she is all over the place. That's nice because her Daddy is sitting right next to me on the couch and is able to feel and see her kicks. Sometimes she punches me so hard that I flinch in shock or yelp a little bit. It still catches me off guard. Wouldn't you jump back in surprise if some invisible being punched you completely unexpectedly? Now imagine that coming from inside of you. It's crazy. Another thing I'm noticing is that I feel movement in a larger area of my belly, not just the one spot that I've been feeling a while. She's taking up a lot more space in there than I realized.

I think I enjoy it more when Jeremy gets to feel a kick. Even more so than just feeling it myself. Last night I'd had my last Pepsi for a while. (Jeremy and I made a pact that we will NOT drink ANY soda. I don't know how long it will last, we didn't really set a goal, but I'm hoping for at least 6 months. Once we get used to not drinking it, it should be easy to give it up all together. It's just hard because it's EVERYWHERE in our culture.) I guess the sugar in the Pepsi set the baby on a little dance routine. She was punching and kicking, really hard. We paused the show we were watching to just feel her move. It's really one of those special moments that make me wonder how anyone can ever be satisfied with one child. Or even two. (I'm sure I'll understand that better once I have a screaming toddler to deal with, haha.) But for now, this seems so addicting. Whenever I'm bored I can seriously just sit quietly and feel her move and be completely entertained. It's a little easier to understand why some people have a dozen kids when you experience something like this. It's so special and unique, especially when you are so crazy in love with the person that got you pregnant in the first place.

It makes abortion even more hard to understand. Cases of rape and incest, and health of the mother are one thing, but abortion in general just seems even more heinous now that I've felt this little life growing within me. I know they don't usually do them this late, but even during the first trimester, the babies are so sweet and human. I just can't support it. I feel adoption should always be the first choice for "unplanned" pregnancies. Of course the real problem is the horrible, casual attitudes we have about sex in our culture that CAUSE the unwanted babies but that's another blog post entirely. I feel like if you are in a position that you would abort a baby that might result from the sex you're considering engaging in, then that should tell you that you aren't in a responsible position to be having sex in the first place. I think that is your choice. Once you're pregnant, there's no more choices. You're having a baby. That's a controversial and often unpopular stance, but that's the way I feel. It's probably my most, and only, staunchly conservative opinion. People having sex without being willing to take care of the possible consequences are making such an incredibly selfish and immature decision that it blows my mind. Sigh. Can you even imagine a world where EVERY baby is born to two loving parents that lovingly raise them into adulthood? What a drastically different world we would live in.

Anyways, after being pregnant once, I kind of can't wait to do it again. Don't tell my parents though! Haha. My Dad is already worried for me to have any more, and my Mom is worried for me to have more than two. It's true that pregnancy is hard for me, but as far as I can tell, it's not really damaging my body yet. We'll see how labor and delivery goes. And I will do my best to avoid getting pregnant again right away, but geez, the good times, like feeling her high-five her Daddy last night, make all the morning sickness and discomfort SO WORTH IT.

I just always saw myself having 4 or 5. But I'd be happy with whatever I get. Frankly I'm just thrilled to get one when I was always just a little unsure sure if I'd ever have any. I'd like to have at least three though.

My appetite is out of control. I'm amazed at how much food I'm eating on a daily basis. Yesterday I had two sandwiches in a row. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. I'm still completely grossed out by fast food, or even heavily processed foods. It's great for my diet and general health, I'm sure, but not very convenient. Ramen noodles and Easy Mac just aren't cutting it. I tire of eating them halfway through, and my body feels like it got about as many nutrients as if I'd eaten cardboard. It's very unsatisfying and I end up having to find something else more substantial to eat just to feel like I've eaten anything at all.

So yeah. Pregnancy is weird but awesome. Parts of me never want it to end, but most of me would still LOVE for March to hurry up and get here so I can experience her outside of my body. (Getting rid of the backaches would be nice too!) Jeremy said the same thing last night, that he just can't wait for her to be here. The cool thing is that she IS here. She's right here kicking my laptop as I type this. She responds to voices sometimes I think. When we saw This Is It, she sat still the entire time, but danced all the way through "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Billie Jean." The girl's got good taste.

My joy is bittersweet tonight though. An old friend is going through her second miscarriage tonight and my heart just aches for her. I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I sincerely can't imagine the devastation, but I do know many of those emotions that go along with any kind of infertility, having dealt with it for a long time. It's kind of a battle scar that so many women silently share. One thing my neighbor told me when I was worried to death about miscarrying was helpful. She'd had four or five miscarriages, but was mere days away from giving birth to her adorable, perfect little boy. She told me, "Don't worry! Even if you DO miscarry, just remember that someday you CAN get to this point." And she pointed to her huge belly...haha. That stuck with me. And I think that's true. All anyone can do is stay calm, keep the faith, and hope for the future.

Nine things about yourself:

1. I'm pregnant. It's all I think about and I'm a little shocked when I forget for a few minutes. It still blows my mind that it actually worked.
2. I love, love, love my husband. I also look up to him and admire him. (Did I TELL you he just got 100% on an exam???) He wasn't the easy choice, but he was the right choice. And my favorite choice I've ever made. I can't imagine myself being any happier if I had waited for what I thought I wanted.
3. I used to think I needed "Girl Time." But I don't. I often enjoy it, but usually still wish Jeremy was there. I also used to think I was a feminist. But I'm not. I'm more of a humanist. I want to be respected as a strong, smart, capable woman, but I also think it's okay to be a damsel in distress sometimes.
4. I question everything. EVERYTHING. Usually on a daily basis. I'm constantly debating my goals, my desires, my moral code, my beliefs. The only think I'm sure of is that I need my husband in my life. I'm terrified of him dying anytime within the next 80 years.
5. I hope that when we get to heaven, we can choose what we want to remember and what we don't want to remember. I have a few months/moments I'd like to have erased. And I'd like to have a say about what Jeremy gets to remember. Haha. He can erase my first kiss if I can have my own eraser for him. Our first kiss was infinitely better anyway.
6. I probably get on people's nerves for talking about my husband so much. Actually, I know I do. I'm really sorry, I really am. I just can't help it. Sometimes I feel like he's all I have. Which isn't true. I have a great family. I blame the pregnancy hormones. They make me so dang mushy. (But two days ago I vowed to be angry at him for at least a year. Moodswings.)
7. I only wish I could walk so that I could dance with Jeremy and sneak up on him. I'd have to teach to dance him first. But if I'd never had my accident, I probably never would have ended up marrying him. No, I'm sure I wouldn't have. So I'm grateful. We'll dance in the next life. I'd also like to be able to look good in a dress and heels for once. I've never worn heels in my 23 years.
8. Even if I were to someday decide or find out that my faith and religion is completely untrue, I'd still be immensely grateful to have grown up and navigated my adolescence with those values and standards. It gave me so much confidence and helped me avoid so much heartache. I'd have a hard time leaving.
9. I have an intense phobia that very few people know about. I'm too scared they'll use it against me.

Eight ways to win your heart:

1. Humor. I love to laugh.
2. Ice Cream
3. Doing good impressions of people. Not necessarily famous people though. Just people.
4. Romance in general. Flowers, mood music, candles, little surprises, hidden notes.
5. Deep, intellectual conversations that make me think about what I really think.
6. Little gestures and acts of kindness. Knowing someone is/was thinking about me.
7. Surprises in general
8. Hugs and unexpected kisses

Seven things that cross your mind a lot:

1. Jeremy/my marriage
2. My baby
3. Food
4. Career vs. Stay at Home Mom debate
5. My family back home (and here)
6. School work
7. Homosexuality. I know that sounds weird but it just perplexes me. I want to understand it.

Six things you wish you never did:

1. I never should have tried to wait for Jeremy to tell me he loved me first. I should have just told him but I had this thing that guys had to say it first. Maybe I could have spared myself some pain. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered. I don't know.
2. Wasted so many semesters on majors I didn't love.
3. This is the hardest category so far. I hate it when people claim to live with no regrets, because you SHOULD regret stupid decisions, but I guess I don't have many regrets.
4. I wish I hadn't tried to please everyone else at my wedding.
5. I wish I hadn't been such a complete dork in elementary, middle, and high school. I had no reason to be so insecure and goofy. I was really smart.
6. I wish I'd made my move on Jeremy at Close-Up and got an extra year together. High school would have been SO much better.

Five turn offs in a guy:

1. Lying/any dishonesty at all
2. Cheating--whether emotionally or physically
3. Cockiness/Egotism: thinking being a "man" means you have to be an insensitive jerk.
4. Facial Hair OF ANY KIND. Eww.
5. Emotional distance

Four turn-ons in a guy:

1. Humor
2. Dark features
3. Kindness
4. Confidence, especially when meeting new people

Three careers you would consider:

1. Just about anything at Disney
2. High School Honors Literature/History teacher
3. Stay-at-Home-Mom

Two things you want before you die:

1. To see all my kids grow into happy, healthy, smart, and kind adults with good marriages of their own. If that's what they want.
2. Travel all over the world with Jeremy.

One confession:

1. I'm relieved to be having a girl. I know that's terrible. I still want a boy someday, but boys seem so much scarier. I don't wanna debate with Jeremy about circumcision, worry about higher autism rates, try to keep them morally clean from pornography and girls, cringe while they play football, and all the other things that terrify me about boys.

I'm either the luckiest or craziest pregnant woman alive.

Many pregnant women crave Big Macs or Whoppers. They gorge themselves on ice cream or chocolate.

But not me.

I crave apples and bananas. I can't even stand to smell fast food. Every once in a while I'll have half a taco from Taco Bell, but even that is tough. It's like all the oil and grease just forms a great big wall between me and the french fries. My sister made cupcakes at my house a couple days ago, and I knew I wouldn't want many so I made her take them all but a few home with her. This morning after my breakfast (whole-wheat waffle with peanut butter) I tried to eat one of the cupcakes. I made it through about two bites. And then I THREW IT AWAY. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not take cupcakes lightly. I love to buy cute cake mixes, I love to bake them, I love to ice them in cute ways, I make my own home-made icing, and I LOVE to eat them. But while trying to eat that cupcake, I just didn't like anything about it--the taste, the texture, nothing. And the whole time the thought is going through my head, "What is this doing for the baby? Should I keep eating this? How is this going to help her? This has no nutritional value, it will just make me fat." And I quickly talked myself out of eating it at all. That happens every time I try to eat junk.

So I threw it away and I don't regret it. To get my sweet snack, I'm going to have an apple.

Here's another example. Jeremy brought some Cold Stone ice cream home for me. I haven't had Cold Stone in forever, we are usually strictly Maestro's Gelato people. But while at University mall, he got me my favorite Cold Stone. It's the All Lovin' No Oven: Cake Batter Ice Cream, Cookie Dough, Whipped Cream, and replacing the Fudge with Oreos. YUM.

So I started eating it, and made it through about five bites before I had talked myself out of it. And it was the largest, Gotta-Have-It size. So now it's sitting in my freezer. And it will probably last weeks. It's been in there two days and I haven't even pulled it out to have a few bites. Normally, it would be gone by now.

Halloween is my favorite time of year for candy. I watch the grocery stores carefully for the first signs of candy corn in September. This year, Jeremy went to the store for the sole reason of finding me a bag of candy corn. Normally a bag would last a week, two at most. It lasted A MONTH. Those sugary little bites were still pretty tasty, but I felt guilty eating more than a few at a time. When the candy corn was all gone, I got a bag of Candy (Mellocreme) Pumpkins. I've had this bag about three weeks. Guess how many I've eaten?

THREE.

Three!? It's just absurd. I don't even like the way they taste enough to finish the bag. I'm throwing it away after I finish this post. During an average Halloween season, I buy about 6 bags of the orange, yellow, and white goodness and cute little pumpkin pieces. But this year, I'll be spending my money on fresh produce. I've gone through a huge Sam's bag of apples in a little over a week, and several sets of bananas. Usually apples get stale and mushy in my fridge after being ignored for months. Now I can't keep it stocked!

So maybe this is why I'm still steadily LOSING weight while pregnant? I suppose a drastic change in eating habits will do that. My baby is growing just as she should, and weighs almost a pound, but I've lost weight the whole time. Normally I'd be working on stretch marks by now, I've started getting the babycenter emails about them, but I think because I'm losing weight as fast as my belly is growing, the skin hasn't had time to get stressed. And I'm not complaining about that either.

I'm feeling pretty blessed, actually. I think I'll have my apple now.