New protected message up. Hopefully it will be public by the end of the day but for now it's protected.

EDIT: The protected message is now up and public! It's the post just below this one. Called "Ahhhhh" Haha.

Here I am again. Blogging because I'm nervous, anxious, terrified, etc.

I just made an appointment with the 3D studio at the mall. The one in Provo apparently doesn't exist anymore so we are going to Sandy. It all happened so quickly. I just called to get prices for the packages and before I knew what was happening I had an appointment scheduled in less than two hours from now.

Now I'm so nervous that I'm sweating, pacing back and forth, and feeling like I'm gonna throw up. I mean, there are SO MANY things that could be wrong, ya know? I'm trying not to stress about it but it's just impossible. What if there's no heartbeat or the skull isn't fusing right or the spinal cord has problems or the kid has no arms or something? I'm so scared. Jeremy seems pretty chill. He's just really excited.

We just found out yesterday that they are somewhat drastically cutting Jer's hours at work. As far as we can tell we are gonna lose about $700 a month. So in reality, we probably shouldn't be spending the $99 on this 3D ultrasound, but I just need some good news. And my family could use some good news. So I'm really hoping it's good news. At this point in my pregnancy, they should be able to tell the gender of the baby. As long as the baby isn't completely uncooperative. I really feel like knowing whether it's a boy or girl will completely change this entire experience.

I'm not telling anyone about this. Even if we find out the gender, I'm hoping we can keep it a secret until we can send the video to my parents or get it online so they can see it. They don't know we're doing this and I want it to be a surprise.

Whew, I'm gonna go try to lay down and calm down. I'm just praying the baby is healthy and far enough developed that we can find out whether it's a boy or girl! And heaven help us if it's a boy because the whole boy names situation has not improved...haha.

I'll let you know!

So today I'm 15 weeks. Today I'm also feeling more nauseated than I have in a long time. I'm writing this post while my professor goes over the syllabus for the semester. It's SO HOT in here and I'm just drowning in the nausea. But enough about that.

I've heard that during the second trimester, many pregnant women experience an intense lovey-dovey feeling towards that person that got them pregnant in the first place. The man in the equation, if you will. I'll spare you the "baby-daddy" line. I hate that word, connotation, or whatever it is. Bleh. But I am TOTALLY feeling that. I feel all ooey-gooey about Jeremy just all the time now. I'm constantly thinking about him and missing him. I want to be physically touching him or near all the time. I just feel so in love. It's like it's five years ago and we're on stage again. I want him to touch my belly often, and rub my back. I crave intimacy in its purest form. I can't get enough.

He told me that for his first day of class he had to introduce himself and tell an interesting story from his life. And guess what? He told them about ME! He told his class how we had met in high school, been in a play with lots of kissing, and we're now pregnant with our first baby! I could have just melted into floor when he told me. To choose OUR story as an interesting tidbit from his very interesting life. I still get giddy thinking about it. I'm so glad to be married to my very best friend and absolute favorite person in the entire world. OH MY GOSH NOW I'M GOING TO CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS.

Moving on! How about I tell you about this terrible dream I had last night? IT WAS AWFUL. I've heard of pregnancy dreams being vivid, but mine are usually just terrible. Sad, scary, stressful, devastating, etc. I dreamed that Jeremy and my Dad decided to start an online pornographic empire. It was really successful, they were making lots of money, and I was devastated, naturally. Me and my Mom said that we were going to leave them and they DIDN'T CARE. I woke up crying from that one, but now it's quite humorous because it is so ridiculous.

15 weeks is kind of a disquieting time. It's not far enough along to feel the baby move regularly, or to have a really noticeable belly (at least not for the first pregnancy) but it's far enough that I feel like I should. I mean, I'm more than 1/3 of the way through this thing. I feel like I should feel that baby moving around in there, and feel like I should have a protruding baby belly instead of just having to wear my fat jeans all the time. And of course that makes me worry that the baby has stopped growing, or I'm going to have a really late miscarriage, or I'm having a dwarf baby (which certainly wouldn't be as big of a deal.) Who knows what it could be, most likely everything is totally fine, but my mind just can't help but think of the worse case scenario. I will be so glad to feel the baby move regularly, even if that means I'm huge and uncomfortable all the time.

Well, class is over. I'm gonna try to get to the car without any puke breaks. Wish me luck! I'm feeling a little better now, so I think I'll be alright. Writing always gets my mind off my troubles.

So yesterday was the big day! I went to bed early Wednesday night so that I'd be capable of waking up at 8:30, getting dressed, getting my wheelchair in the car, and driving to the doctor's office all by myself. (Notice I did not include a shower. I didn't want to push it!)

I had a Slim Fast for breakfast. I'm not trying to lose weight of course, it's just that it's been getting harder and harder for me to eat real food. I get hungry, sometimes, but nothing ever sounds good. I'm not losing weight or anything, yet, but I might if food doesn't start getting more appealing! I don't want meat very often (Except chicken occasionally. My homemade fried chicken especially.) I never want "heavy" meals, opting instead for a can of fruit or slice of bread with some crackers. I'm not really nauseated all the time, I just don't feel great, and the idea of putting food in my mouth is rarely appetizing. And for a food lover like myself, it's weird.

I didn't realize until I was almost there that my hands were shaking. I was so nervous. I said a quick prayer as I sat at a stop light. I didn't know whether they would actually listen for a heartbeat or not, and the possibility made me so anxious. I made it to the office right on time, calling for some minor directions on the way. I only made it halfway through a Taylor Swift article in Glamour magazine before they called me back. I saw the same nurse I saw last time. She asked me how I was feeling, and was great at empathizing with my exhaustion. After I told her how tired I'd been, she said, "It's not just tired, honey. It's fatigue beyond fatigue, huh? Feel like you don't even wanna lift your arm right?" And I was like, "Yes! Exactly!" It was nice to have someone that understood.

She brought me back to the room, mentioning that this would be a short visit since they would only check the heartbeat. My own heartbeat quickened. I was so excited and nervous that I started sweating. My doctor met with me immediately. I got myself up on the table, expecting him to roll some huge cart in. Instead, he pulled what looked like a walkman radio out of his pocket. He cautioned me that it was still early and we might not be able to hear a heartbeat, and that didn't necessarily mean anything bad. I was just thinking, "Hurry up already before my hands shake me off this table or I get sweat stains on my shirt!"

He had me hold my pants down out of the way which was a little awkward, but it least it gave me something to do with my trembling hands. He stuck the little doppler device thing down on the right side of my lower abdomen. He was pushing down really hard and I was a little worried that even if my baby was okay, he was gonna squish him/her! I could feel my own heartbeat, but the only noises coming from the little walkman were static. It felt like an eternity and each passing second made me more nervous and more sweaty. He moved around over the left side of my belly and I was starting to worry. Really, only 10 or 15 seconds had gone by, but it felt so much longer in the moment.

I'm sure the anxiety was evident on my face. I was listening so hard and praying so intently for a good sign.

Then all of a sudden there it was in the static. A quick, steady, and loud "thump thump thump." I felt my heart flutter and I got this instant grin on my face. It was just as much a spiritual experience as I've ever had at church camps or Mormon Tabernacle Choir performances. My whole chest felt warm and I was so incredibly happy and relieved. I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh, but mostly I wanted Jeremy to know, or better yet, to be there with me. The doctor moved around for a better listen and I was already longing to hear it again. He found it again and we listened a little longer. Really, it sounded just like it does on TV watching baby shows. But hearing that sound come out of my own body was so much more surreal and remarkable. It was magical, really. Better than even Main Street U.S.A. in Magic Kingdom at night.

The doctor said everything sounded and looked good, and that my uterus was the right size for that week. I was so excited and bursting to call Jeremy that I totally forgot about all the questions and concerns I had planned on asking the doctor about. He congratulated me again that I either had a baby in my belly or a hamburger with a heartbeat. Something like that. He's got a goofy sense of humor. I just kept smiling and nodding like a giddy idiot.

As I left I did think to ask him whether it was safe to tell the world our news. He said that since there was a heartbeat, my chance of miscarriage was extremely low. He also said everything looks great, and there's no reason to expect things to go badly. However, I still have three weeks of possible miscarriage time, so he said if I were his daughter, he'd advise me to wait another three weeks.

And that was it. The whole appointment lasted maybe six or seven minutes.

I got out to the car and called Jeremy at work. It was such a relief to have good news! Really, if things had gone wrong, I was dreading calling Jeremy the most. I just don't know what I even would have said. I don't want to think about it.

Jeremy was super excited of course, and I told him every detail of the visit. After a few sweet moments with him, I called my mom. And that set off a whole day of phone calls. I'm scared to figure out how many minutes I used that day. Thank goodness for roll over minutes! I called the few family members that already knew I was pregnant to let them know that everything was going well. They all knew I had an appointment, and were waiting for the word. I went ahead and called the rest of the family that didn't know. Even though I'm waiting a few weeks to announce it to everyone, I wanted my family, and Jeremy's family to know now.

So it looks like I may be having a baby after all. I can feel myself starting to let my guard down and let the reality in. It's so weird. And still a little scary.

Jer and I can't wait for 20 weeks to find out if it's a boy or girl. I think we will pay the $59 or so at the mall to get an early 4D ultrasound. The Fetal Studio is up in Sandy, and they can sometimes tell the gender as early as 11 weeks! We are gonna wait another week or two so that hopefully, we will be able to find out for sure when we go up there. I can't wait any longer! I want to start buying girl things or boy things NOW.

This was a great way to end my day. It's been a really tough day, full of exhaustion, nausea, and pain from ligaments stretching, but now I've forgotten all that as I think about that little heartbeat pattering away in my tummy.