I'm gonna have to devote the next month to school, but after that, I want to get going on things I've neglected since last summer.

*I want to finish me and Jeremy's childhood scrapbook up through middle school. I think I will start a new one for high school and the whole era of the play and our dating days in Florida. I'm just dying to pull out all my old paper and supplies! I really wish I had baby pictures of Joey but I doubt I'll ever be able to get any of those. I have a few of him with Jeremy, but that's it.

*I want to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom. I need more floor space. We may have to get rid of some unnecessary furniture.

*In that same vein, I want to completely de-clutter my house. I do it about once a month on a small scale, but I'm talking major overhaul here! Anything we haven't used in six months, and isn't holiday decorations, needs to go! If we are gonna be in the condo a while longer, I need breathing room. (We have put off the house hunting since Jeremy's hours have been cut.)

*Spring cleaning! I want to do this when we rearrange the furniture. Vacuum under all the beds, furniture, etc. Get rid of all that cat fur that I know is hiding down there.

*I need Jeremy to teach me photoshop. Nothing fancy, but not just the basics either, I want to fall somewhere in the lower intermediate range. This is the next step so that I can make my photos look a little more polished.

*Our condo still needs touch-up paint. We never finished the hallway. If I can convince Jeremy, I'd like to repaint the kitchen too. The red has never won me over. It's too hard to make clean lines along the ceiling. And it really darkens the space, which is made worse by the lack of windows. I want to go with something lighter to flow with the light sage and olive green in the living areas. I'd love light purple but I doubt that will fly. I saw a light purple kitchen in a magazine that was just precious. Maybe light yellow? With my sister and her boyfriend around, I think we could knock it all out in a day or two.

*I'd also like to paint Joey's room and our bedroom. The bathrooms can wait for next summer. (If we are still here!)

*I want to finally finish the huge cross stitch project that I've been working on since 2006. I get going on it and make a lot of progress and then life gets busy again and I put it down for 8 months at a time.

*I need to turn my bedroom into a romantic retreat. Our bedroom has been neglected the most out of all the space in the condo. It is the only room with absolutely nothing on the walls and no paint! I want to paint it a warm romantic color and decorate the walls.

*Learn new recipes so it doesn't seem like we are having homemade tacos and pizza all the time. (Not that anyone minds, I think we would eat it everyday without complaint!)

*I want to return my xanga to it's former glory. That requires time that I just don't have right now. I'm actually supposed to be writing a book review right now. Better get working on that!a

I've just been so busy. I'm coming up with a plan though. I miss my xanga.

I'll be done with school in a month! Still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with myself for four months of summer!

Well, last night I just cried and cried. Finally, I put Crookshanks up on the bed with us and he snuggled in behind my knees in his favorite spot. He never slept as far as I could tell. I hadn't seen him sleep since he got hurt. I only got a few hours of sleep, and woke up at 4:00am. Crookshanks was just sitting in the bathroom, and he started throwing up water. That exhausted him further and he crawled to his water bowl and just drank water intermittently. Jeremy had to go to work at 6, but the poor little guy just got worse and worse. I could tell he was tired, but he couldn't lay his head down to sleep because it was too painful. He was just nodding over his water bowl. I called Jeremy to come back home and we took him to the vet for the last time. We wrapped him in towels and held him in the car instead of putting him in his travel carrier. That seemed to calm him and make him feel better. We got a second opinion from our vet (he had been out of town when we had to take Crookshanks to the vet on Saturday morning.) He gave the same diagnosis and said the kindest thing we could do for him would be to let him go.

So we did and we cried some more. I rubbed his ears the whole time and stayed with him until he was gone. He didn't whimper when he got the shot or anything. I think he was ready to go. It was really very quick. By the time the doctor finished injecting all the stuff he seemed to be sleeping. (Finally! I know he was exhausted. I don't think he had much left in him anyway. I was terrified that he was going to die on the bathroom floor by his water bowl.) Then the doctor checked for a heartbeat and he was gone. Nothing dramatic, which I was thankful for. I couldn't bear to watch him gasp or anything. He just went to sleep and finally closed his eyes. I felt so relieved immediately and very calm. I know we did the right thing now.

One of my biggest worries was that I would regret my decision but I just feel better knowing that he's not suffering anymore. Both doctors said there was nothing they or we could do that would give him any kind of normal quality of life. I felt at peace as soon as Crookshanks took his last breath. Watching him in misery was far worse than watching him die.

We came home and had a family prayer for Crookshanks, thanking the Lord for blessing us with him. We prayed for Mr. Potter, that he will not be lonely or depressed, and prayed for ourselves. I always knew losing one of them would be tough, but it has been far worse than I imagined. Even though I know we made the right decision, there is still this gloomy cloud over everything. The house just feels different without Crookshanks getting into trouble.

My priority now is Mr. Potter. I'm worried about him. For the last week while Crookshanks has been sick, Mr. Potter has been more clingy. I just hope he adjusts well. I'm not going to be ready for another pet for a while, this has been too upsetting and emotionally draining. But I do hope that someday we can get a new friend for Mr. Potter. It just doesn't seem right having him by himself. They were always a pair.

I'll have to make a little tribute post to Crookshanks later. I'm way behind in school and with my Disney stuff right now.

Well, Crookshanks hasn't eaten anything and we don't want him to starve himself. We did get him to drink some water. I've been looking up pet euthanasia and trying to decide what to do. He really doesn't seem happy and I don't want to prolong his misery. This is the toughest thing I've dealt with in a while. Since last year around this time. I've never really had anyone close to me die. Crookshanks is my closest family member or friend to pass away. I've had several relatives die, of course, but none that I really knew or saw frequently. I was just talking to my dad when he was here about how I was worried about how I would deal with death whenever it came. This sucks. I feel so much pressure. What if he's gonna get better? But what if today is the best day he has left and each day will get worse? I can't imagine this house without him and his feisty little spirit. And poor Mr. Potter. He would be all alone. I always worried about what would happen when one of them died, but I was expecting it in 15 years, not now.

I've been very concerned about Crookshanks role in the afterlife today. Will he be resurrected? Does he have a soul? Is there a chance I would see him again? I've never gotten to know a pet as well as I have gotten to know my kitties. They certainly have personalities. So I did some research on the prophets' teachings about pet's souls and the afterlife. Here were a few of my favorite snippets from LDS.org and a few Ensign articles. There isn't much information out there because of course, the Church is far more concerned about the salvation of men rather than animals, but, it has been very comforting to read the few teachings about pets.

"Do animals have spirits and are they resurrected?" Yes. The Prophet Joseph Smith received information concerning the eternal status of animals. Answers to questions he posed are in the Doctrine and Covenants, section 77. He also spoke about the resurrection of animals in a sermon but did not expand on the subject. (History of the Church, 5:343.)

"To what degree of glory do animals go?" The scriptures speak only of animals being in the celestial kingdom. Whether they go to other kingdoms is a matter of conjecture. Elder Joseph Fielding Smith on one occasion said the distribution of animals into all three degrees of glory is “very probable,” (Improvement Era, Jan. 1958, pp. 16–17.)

"Are animals judged and resurrected according to their obedience to laws?" According to Elder Joseph Fielding Smith, animals do not have a conscience. They cannot sin and they cannot repent, for they have not the knowledge of right and wrong. (Man: His Origin and Destiny, Deseret Book Co., 1954, pp. 204–5.)

"Can animals be with their owners in the hereafter?" There is no revealed word on this subject. Reason would tell us that a rancher or farmer may not want all of the cattle he has owned during his life. On the other hand, emotional ties may be honored and family pets may well be restored to their owners in the resurrection. Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote that Joseph Smith expected to have his favorite horse in eternity. (Improvement Era, Aug. 1927, p. 855.)

So I figure if I get resurrected, Crookshanks will too. And that is helping me through the whole grieving process.

I know some of you are probably thinking, "It's just a cat," or "Just get another one!" But these kitties have been my babies. They are the closest thing to children that we have (aside from Joey, of course.) We raised them and taught them. We loved them and watched them grow. I can't believe I am having to let one go so soon.

I'm still hoping for improvement. But if Tuesday comes and he's still miserable and not eating, I don't know what else to do. Except cry of course. Good thing I have all those tissues left over from when I was sick.

Sorry for all the boring pictures of the house, I had to show some structural stuff to my parents. The house has some issues, and I wanted to get their opinion.

Crookshanks has not shown any improvement. He crawls around on his knees. It's really sad and pitiful to watch. The vets have suggested that we put him to sleep if he hasn't improved in the next few days. I just don't feel like that's an option right now. I can't even think it. I've been doing some research on disabled pets to see what kind of quality of life he could have. It's very difficult. I don't want him to be miserable or suffer in pain for the rest of his life, but he's not even 2 years old yet. I can't imagine his life ending. I'm just getting by right now by not thinking about it. I'm gonna give him some time for the swelling to go down and see if he gets anything back. But it's not looking good.

We still have no real idea of what happened, but we think he fell off the bunk bed sometime in the middle of the night. He was happy and playing Friday night, and Jeremy remembers him being in bed with us when he rolled over sometime while we were sleeping. But when we woke up he was paralyzed. It's just awful. There was vomit on Joey's floor beneath his bunk bed so that is our best guess.

Ugh. I really didn't need this right now. I'm kinda going through the stages of grief I guess. I was in denial all yesterday, I was blaming myself last night, and I was very angry today. Angry at everything and everyone. I just can't believe this is happening. He already had a terrible week with being sick and having to get a bath, now he's most likely got a permanent disability and there's nothing we can do. It makes me feel helpless and bitter. It does look like he's gonna end up like me.

Sorry to be so depressing. There's just a depressing mood around here right now.

Crookshanks has a spinal cord injury. You can imagine how I'm dealing with that.

Well, Crookshanks has taken a turn for the worse. Jeremy is with him at another animal hospital. Our vet is out of town. I'm too upset to be of much use so I'm at home sobbing. When we woke up this morning he wasn't in bed with us, which was strange. He was out in the living room and as soon as we got near him he started screaming. He had pooed on the carpet, and vomited on the carpet in Joey's room. When Jeremy moved him, he crawled back to where he was by dragging himself on his front paws. (That's when I really lost it. I just kept thinking, 'He's gonna end up like me, he's gonna end up like me.') Crying and being sick at the same time really make it difficult to breathe. I just can't take it. He already went through so much last weekend. Jeremy says it looks like he is using his right foot a little bit so I'm praying it's just a problem with his left foot.

I just can't bear to watch him suffer anymore. I hope Jeremy brings good news home. I just don't get it. He was doing fine yesterday. He's been eating and drinking and going to the bathroom. I thought he was all better so I don't know if this is related or not.

Today is Joey's birthday. I hope we can make it special later today. I definitely don't feel like celebrating but I'm gonna take a shower and hopefully I can put on a brave face and continue all the birthday festivities with a smile on my face.

But first I have to stop crying.

So we have a front runner for a new house. There are still a lot of things that would have to miraculously work out, but this is the most accessible house we have found so far. (That isn't ridiculously expensive.)

^^This is the exterior, obviously. The front porch is a great size. I'd prefer stucco, because it seems to need less maintenance, but this vinyl is new and cute so I'm sure it will be okay for while we're there. I really like the fish scales near the roof line. The stone below is nice too. They are definitely the most unique homes we've seen since we've been looking.

^^This is the dining nook. I like how it angles out like that with the windows on each side. I do not enjoy the brown trim though. I don't know who's idea that was but it's awful!

^^I love the red tones in the floor. This is wide enough for my chair. The area underneath the sink looked like it could possibly be cut out to allow me to roll under like in the condo. Look how nice the sink faucet is. And yes, those are granite countertops right there. I would have to put things in the oven from the side instead of straight on. I think this will actually be easier.

These are the three stairs in the garage. I wasn't sure if this was something we could build a ramp for or not.

Another shot of the stairs. That's me coughing up a lung. I was way too sick to be out in the cold but I could not resist visiting this house!

This is the master bedroom. Those sliding doors would lead out onto the porch. Which doesn't exist yet.

^^This is the master walk-in closet. I like how there is a low bar. This will be the perfect height for me to reach my clothes!

The other side of the master closet.^^

Here's the mirror in the master bathroom. It has double sinks. The mirror comes all the way down to the level of the sinks. That will be nice since I would be able to see more than just my head in the mirror.

^^Here's the garden tub with jets.

This is the toilet. It is a little low, and I would probably want to replace it with an ADA toilet.

^This is just a view of the bathroom from the master bedroom. The shower IS a regular door, not a sliding door like the boys thought. I think it would be workable though. At least until I could install a sliding door.

Here's a shot of the crawl space underneath the house.

^^This is the only trouble spot. The crack in the ceiling. We will have to get that checked out to see if it is serious or not.

^^The crack extends across the entire living room ceiling. I love all the recessed lighting though. And a ceiling fan!

This is the breakfast bar. There was room for at least 4 or 5 barstools. It was long.

And this is a shot of the sweet, lowered countertop. I'm sure this was meant to be a little office/computer area, but this would be perfect for me to prepare food! It was actually at an even better height than the roll-under space in my condo right now. I really loved that.

So really the only negatives would be making the ramp in the garage, the mysterious crack in the ceiling, and the paint colors. The doorways could be a little wider. My wheelchair fit through them all without touching the sides, but it was close. The house sits at the back of the cul-de-sac. I like that, being where there is the least amount of traffic. There's a large yard too. I should have gone and gotten pictures of all that. It was just so cold! The roof overhangs in the back too, so whenever the back porch is built, a lot of it would be covered.

It's about 1875 square feet. The wood throughout is the nicest part. Makes it so easy for me in my chair. There's also real tile in the bathrooms instead of linoleum. It's sweet! The 2nd bathroom has double sinks, which Joey's excited about...haha. It's only three bedrooms, but they are big bedrooms. I think it will be a great starter home. We already have enough furniture to furnish it, I think. And it should definitely last us as long as we plan to be in Utah.

We looked at one other home today. It was a little nicer, a little more expensive, but it had a major shower problem. The shower was really unique and gorgeous, but I would have had to rip it out to make it accessible. Boo!

So I'm excited. We are gonna keep looking, but this one is the best thing we've found in our price range. By far!

Will the torment NEVER END?!

If I have to wipe my nose with one more Puffs Plus with Lotion I will scream!

Oh wait, I can't because my voice is gone from the previously mentioned coughing and hacking.

I spent another whole day in bed. This is ridiculous. I cannot afford to be in bed. I struggled through it on Tuesday, but yesterday and today have just been impossible. Thank goodness Jeremy didn't have work today. I know he enjoyed picking up my snotty tissues and making me chicken noodle with 10 SALTINE CRACKERS PUH-LEASE. And he is such a sweetie. He arranged them all cute around the bowl. But then I was distressed that he didn't take a picture of it.

Oh well.

I am just hoping I am feeling better for Joey's birthday Saturday. I don't want to ruin a fun day.

Jeremy got sick last night but he's doing way better than I am. (Big surprise!) He never gets as sick as I do. He has the immune system of a cow!

Crookshanks is still sitting by my side. He's doing much better. He actually ate and drank today and he and Mr. Potter sat in the same room without growling, hissing OR spitting. It was a beautiful moment.

I'm going to go soak in my misery now.

I'm officially blaming yesterday's weather for my BLAH day.

Today it was gorgeous and sunny outside and I'm just itching to organize my house, do the laundry, sort all the paperwork scattered around three tables, read my book for school, etc.

But first, I want to blog.

Crookshanks is doing better. He is still not back to normal. We ended up taking an emergency trip to the vet on Sunday because he still was not eating, drinking, or peeing. The doctor gave him a shot of B vitamins that was supposed to stimulate his energy and hunger. I don't think it worked all that well but he did pee this morning. We gave him a bath Sunday night and that was traumatic for everyone, like always. Mr. Potter did great, but Crookshanks went all evil on us. He totally freaks out. He bit Jeremy one good time. Jeremy was holding him still while I washed and rinsed. When we sprayed his belly he peed, so that was good. At least he's not clogged back up again. He was so exhausted after the bath he slept for about 12 hours straight.

He's still not eating much, and just sits around all day. If he hasn't started eating tomorrow, I'm gonna be calling the vet again. I think he's still feeling a little bad. I've been sick too, so we were both kind of pitiful taking a nap this morning. I kinda feel like I did when I had mono. I don't think I have mono again, but the constant sleepiness feels the same. I think I've just got a rough case of tonsillitis.

The house hunt is dragging on. I haven't found anything that screams, "BUY ME!" yet. I still have the best feelings about the new ones on the mountain. But they need to come down a little more in price before we take that much of a plunge. Technically, we got approved for a loan to buy the more expensive floor plan, but it put the payment about $450 more than we wanna pay a month. I'd rather have a smaller house and have a little extra money to do all the fun things that we like to do like movies, museums, going out to eat, etc. I've seen about a dozen homes so far, but they are either a little too expensive, or way inaccessible. Darn wheelchair. I'm kinda stuck looking at ramblers, with very few stairs leading up to the entrance. It really limits my options. Especially when everything out here was either built in 1914, or has three split levels. LAME. That's why I'd rather build a cute little house. But we'll see.

Well, I bought some really cute little paperwork organizers and I'm excited to use them so I'm gonna get on that. I find the best thing to do for cleaning is to buy something new! That's a big motivator for me. I was dreading all that organization, but with some awesome binders, problem solved!

See ya!

Oh, and I'm 23 now. Weird!