January 10, 2009
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Oh the Innocence...
See all these posts? I told you I was going to be a better blogger in 2009.
Anyways.
I just love going out with the boys. Tonight's dinner conversation subject was kissing. The 12-year-old randomly asked how old I was when I had my first kiss. I told him I was 15, and then he had to know about Jeremy too. And boy did he want details! Was it a good kiss, what was their name, did you stick your lips out like this {pucker}, how many people have you kissed, etc. He also wanted to know if we'd ever french-kissed and wanted to know if you could get AIDS from french kissing. Oh my gosh. It was just so hilarious. But of course, I couldn't laugh at any of his questions. It's a delicate balance keeping a pre-teen boy comfortable enough to talk about those things!
One of the funny ones:
"Well what was his name?"
"Davis."
"Davy?"
"No, Davis."
"David?"
"Davis."
"Was he black?"
"No...why?"
"He sounds black. I thought that was a black name."
"Oh. Alright."
That one was just funny because when I was dating him, Davis did kinda did think he was black.
12-year-old boy also scolded me for kissing at 15 when he knew I wasn't supposed to "date" until I was 16. I explained that I'd been "going out" with this guy for over five months before I kissed him and he was about to move away anyways so I thought it was okay. I also told him how I'd actually discussed my first kiss with my parents before it happened. I wanted to get their opinion about whether it was a good idea or not. He and Jeremy called me a nerd about that, but I don't care. I'm glad I had such a good and open relationship with my parents and I hope we can have a similar relationship with him.
And the conversation just continued that way. Kissing is a safe conversation, much easier than some of the other questions he's had in the past. (More on that in a bit!) He wanted to know if we'd been good kissers for our respective first kisses, where we were, and what kind of kiss it was. (Lip placement and such. Haha!) I assured him that I'd been a spectacular kisser from the beginning but I don't think he believed me. He sounded worried about his future kissing experiences but I told him it wasn't difficult and when he was older and he found the right girl it would come naturally. We told him how kissing had always been okay, but it is totally different when you find somebody you really love and want to marry. Jeremy told him the first time he kissed me he thought, "Oh, so THIS is what it's supposed to feel like." (And of course I said, "Aww!" even though he has said that before. It's one of those things that never gets old.) Jeremy didn't want to talk much about his first kiss (he didn't even say her name, I had to guess, haha) so it was mostly just about mine. Lucky me...I guess...haha.
We continued talking about kissing until dinner was over. Then on the way home he pipes up from the back:
"Amanda, have you ever seen Jeremy naked?"
(Agh! I thought that we were done with the questions for the evening! I worried this was going to be his segue for asking intimacy-related questions. He tends to just blurt things out like that to get conversations going. Kind of like when there's something from his past that he wants to share with us. Once he asked, "Have you ever run away?" And really, he just wanted to talk about when he ran away from a place he lived before, and why he felt he had to run away. We've always been really open to answering his questions about all subjects and only given him the "You'll find out when your older" kind of answer on one occasion. He was completely clueless about everything reproduction-wise when he first got here, but I think he has a decent knowledge of the basics now and why we feel it's something that's best saved for later.)
"Um, yes I have."
"Was it weird?"
"Nope. We were together for over 2 years before we got married and got to that part so we were comfortable."
**Pray he doesn't ask anything else.**
"Okay."
And that was it! He did ask Jeremy if it was weird too. Haha, so I'm thinking he thought/thinks there was just one occasion. Kind of like how when I was younger I thought my parents had only been intimate four times. (Because there were only four kids!) I could almost hear the wheels in his head turning and trying to put pieces together but he didn't ask anything else. I know he's still confused on some things. Like he recently heard about birth control pills somewhere and had several questions about that. He had absolutely no idea how those worked, and thought you took them to have a baby, not to avoid one. It was kinda cute, but it always makes me nervous when he asks those questions. I just sometimes don't know how much I should tell him at this age. Obviously details aren't appropriate or necessary. But where's the line, ya know? Should I just stick to the kinda thing he will learn in biology? What about the religious aspects? What about those questions he has about the experience itself? I think a lot of it varies from kid to kid.
I just want him to get the information from us and not somewhere else. The most important thing is that I always want him to feel comfortable coming to us with any question he may have now or in the future. About anything. Especially as he gets older and sees/hears more things at school. So even if I'm freaking out on the inside, I try to answer him casually and in a factual way. The nice thing is I remember very well what it's like to be 12, and I know what I could handle at that age. He's always been really mature about it, although on the inside he's probably thinking. "Eww! Weird!" At least I know that's what I was thinking when my parents first gave me the talk. But that was at age 9. I'm just glad he's comfortable enough to ask. Usually he says, "I have a question about..." and then he'll spell out S-E-X in the air with his finger. And I think that is just the funniest thing. I wasn't comfortable saying that word out loud until I was about 17...haha.
So what do you think? Most of you reading this don't have kids old enough for this, but what are you going to tell them, and when?
Comments (6)
Bravo! I am proud of you for raising Joey that way. It's important to be there if they have questions and to answer them honestly, I completely agree.It's great he feels so comfortable with you.
James and I are planning on having kids in a couple-three years (depending on when I am done with school and what kind of job/insurance I get). I am a planner type, so I think about parenting stuff like this all the time. Also all the cool things I plan to knit for babies. As for the sex talk, I plan on giving the sex talk at 8-10, depending on the kid, just the "it's very special" and the mechanics. I also believe "if you're old enough to ask, you're old enough to know," so you are totally doing what I want to do. Props!
I also think that when kids are older (13-15) it's important to talk to them about sex and baby prevention. It's just an all around good thing to know, plus, while I expect them to wait for marriage, I plan on explaining why it's better to do so (ie commandments,that hormonal attatchment thing, babies, etc) but giving them info on condoms at the very least. I remember being horrified when I found out one of my siblings was having sex- and unprotected sex at that! That's a hard line to walk though, talking about protection. I don't want to give my blessing for sex whenever you want, because if I could wait, so could you. Did your parents talk to you about that?
But coming from someone who never was given a sex talk, I think that hearing it from your parental-figures, straight up with no euphemisms is very important. I think it also shows that you as a parent care about the kid enough to tell him or her what's going on in the world in a "real" way and that creates a further sense of trust. Anyway, this is almost longer than your post but it's always good to open up a forum. You never know what people are thinking. Props again!
@redvelvetheart - I totally agree that if they are asking, it's time to start telling. My parents definitely told me to wait until marriage, and explained why. We told Joey the same thing when we had the original discussion. We explained why we had waited until marriage and why it was a good idea for him to wait as well. He seemed to agree and understand. (He's seen plenty of examples in his life of why waiting until marriage is better!)
My parents gave me the sex talk when I was in third grade. I overheard my mom on the phone saying somebody was "trying" to get pregnant and I didn't understand how you could "try" to get pregnant. I also asked how it was possible for a baby to look like their dad. I could see how a baby could look like it's mother since it grew there, but I didn't understand why my little sister looked more like my dad! I guess I was a very observant 3rd grader. Also, I was starting a new school that was 4th-8th grade, so my parents wanted me informed before I went there. It made it so much easier to talk to them later since they had opened up that discussion early.
@asecheer221 - That's a pretty swell idea. Very awesome!
Those are definitely the kinds of questions that make you want to laugh. That's really cute that he was asking so much about your first kisses. He's probably just really curious like any other kid, and that's great that he feels comfortable enough to talk to you guys about it. It seems like you handled the questions really well too.
I haven't given too much thought to the when part of telling my future kids; I kind of hope it'll happen naturally like it seems to be with Joey. I don't think it's wrong at all to talk about the basics of sex at a young age with your kids. I want my kids to know where babies come from by the time they're in elementary, and as they get older (probably before junior high) I'll explain more about why it's important to wait until marriage.
"Have you ever seen Jeremy naked?" lol... that's awesome.
Props to you for leveling with him about things and not avoiding them. My parents never really gave me a sex talk. Not that I can remember, anyway. I once remember asking my mom if sex was when people slept together naked... I don't remember her answer.
I think it's really important to talk to children openly (not too openly, but at least more open than my parents were) about sex and reproduction. It's a VERY important part of life--one that can bring much happiness or great sorrow... and I don't want my children to learn about it only from the media and their friends at school. So many parents do that. I always felt really uncomfortable talking about sex with adults... got the impression that it's something to be ashamed of and embarrassed about. I want my kids to know that it's a beautiful part of a relationship, but that it needs to be connected to love and commitment too.
And I think you're exactly right... that by answering his questions now without getting weirded out by them, he'll hopefully keep coming to you with the questions instead of being secretive and going to other people with those questions. I really think you're doing an amazing thing by raising him and he's so blessed to have you in his life. Keep doing what you're doing
I assume when my kids are old enough to ask, I'll give them an age appropriate explanation. My mom got pregnant with my sister when I was 6 and my older sister was 7. So she sat us down and read us the book "Where did I Come From?" We giggled through the whole thing. But anytime we had sex questions we always went to her. And my little sister always came to me (for some reason).
My mom never really encouraged me to wait til marriage (I wasn't raised lds). But she wanted me to wait til I was out of high school, in a committed long term-relationship. But she would caveat that if I felt like I was ready before that to let her know, so she could get me protection. It real facilitated an open relationship. In the end, I did wait til I was married, and she was happy about that. And my little sister will be 20 this year, and is still waiting. So it seemed to work out pretty well.
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