November 4, 2009

• 23 Weeks...and a political tangent.

  The big event this week has been...movement! I feel the baby kick every single day now. And a lot! She's become my special little friend that lives in my belly. And she has definite patterns to her routine. I sometimes go a few hours in midday without feeling any nudges, but after meals and especially during prime time television at night, she is all over the place. That's nice because her Daddy is sitting right next to me on the couch and is able to feel and see her kicks. Sometimes she punches me so hard that I flinch in shock or yelp a little bit. It still catches me off guard. Wouldn't you jump back in surprise if some invisible being punched you completely unexpectedly? Now imagine that coming from inside of you. It's crazy. Another thing I'm noticing is that I feel movement in a larger area of my belly, not just the one spot that I've been feeling a while. She's taking up a lot more space in there than I realized.

  I think I enjoy it more when Jeremy gets to feel a kick. Even more so than just feeling it myself. Last night I'd had my last Pepsi for a while. (Jeremy and I made a pact that we will NOT drink ANY soda. I don't know how long it will last, we didn't really set a goal, but I'm hoping for at least 6 months. Once we get used to not drinking it, it should be easy to give it up all together. It's just hard because it's EVERYWHERE in our culture.) I guess the sugar in the Pepsi set the baby on a little dance routine. She was punching and kicking, really hard. We paused the show we were watching to just feel her move. It's really one of those special moments that make me wonder how anyone can ever be satisfied with one child. Or even two. (I'm sure I'll understand that better once I have a screaming toddler to deal with, haha.) But for now, this seems so addicting. Whenever I'm bored I can seriously just sit quietly and feel her move and be completely entertained. It's a little easier to understand why some people have a dozen kids when you experience something like this. It's so special and unique, especially when you are so crazy in love with the person that got you pregnant in the first place.

  It makes abortion even more hard to understand. Cases of rape and incest, and health of the mother are one thing, but abortion in general just seems even more heinous now that I've felt this little life growing within me. I know they don't usually do them this late, but even during the first trimester, the babies are so sweet and human. I just can't support it. I feel adoption should always be the first choice for "unplanned" pregnancies. Of course the real problem is the horrible, casual attitudes we have about sex in our culture that CAUSE the unwanted babies but that's another blog post entirely. I feel like if you are in a position that you would abort a baby that might result from the sex you're considering engaging in, then that should tell you that you aren't in a responsible position to be having sex in the first place. I think that is your choice. Once you're pregnant, there's no more choices. You're having a baby. That's a controversial and often unpopular stance, but that's the way I feel. It's probably my most, and only, staunchly conservative opinion. People having sex without being willing to take care of the possible consequences are making such an incredibly selfish and immature decision that it blows my mind. Sigh. Can you even imagine a world where EVERY baby is born to two loving parents that lovingly raise them into adulthood? What a drastically different world we would live in.

  Anyways, after being pregnant once, I kind of can't wait to do it again. Don't tell my parents though! Haha. My Dad is already worried for me to have any more, and my Mom is worried for me to have more than two. It's true that pregnancy is hard for me, but as far as I can tell, it's not really damaging my body yet. We'll see how labor and delivery goes. And I will do my best to avoid getting pregnant again right away, but geez, the good times, like feeling her high-five her Daddy last night, make all the morning sickness and discomfort SO WORTH IT.

  I just always saw myself having 4 or 5. But I'd be happy with whatever I get. Frankly I'm just thrilled to get one when I was always just a little unsure sure if I'd ever have any. I'd like to have at least three though.

  My appetite is out of control. I'm amazed at how much food I'm eating on a daily basis. Yesterday I had two sandwiches in a row. I don't think I've ever done that in my life. I'm still completely grossed out by fast food, or even heavily processed foods. It's great for my diet and general health, I'm sure, but not very convenient. Ramen noodles and Easy Mac just aren't cutting it. I tire of eating them halfway through, and my body feels like it got about as many nutrients as if I'd eaten cardboard. It's very unsatisfying and I end up having to find something else more substantial to eat just to feel like I've eaten anything at all.

  So yeah. Pregnancy is weird but awesome. Parts of me never want it to end, but most of me would still LOVE for March to hurry up and get here so I can experience her outside of my body. (Getting rid of the backaches would be nice too!) Jeremy said the same thing last night, that he just can't wait for her to be here. The cool thing is that she IS here. She's right here kicking my laptop as I type this. She responds to voices sometimes I think. When we saw This Is It, she sat still the entire time, but danced all the way through "The Way You Make Me Feel" and "Billie Jean." The girl's got good taste.

  My joy is bittersweet tonight though. An old friend is going through her second miscarriage tonight and my heart just aches for her. I've never experienced a miscarriage, and I sincerely can't imagine the devastation, but I do know many of those emotions that go along with any kind of infertility, having dealt with it for a long time. It's kind of a battle scar that so many women silently share. One thing my neighbor told me when I was worried to death about miscarrying was helpful. She'd had four or five miscarriages, but was mere days away from giving birth to her adorable, perfect little boy. She told me, "Don't worry! Even if you DO miscarry, just remember that someday you CAN get to this point." And she pointed to her huge belly...haha. That stuck with me. And I think that's true. All anyone can do is stay calm, keep the faith, and hope for the future.

  • 2:56 pm
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