August 21, 2009

• It's time!

  I just can't keep this secret from the Xanga world any longer! Jeremy and I are having a BABY!

  Yes, we are beyond thrilled and so excited! All those protected posts will be available over the next few days/weeks. I think I'm going to repost one a day publicly on here. They are all baby/pregnancy related, so while it was Top Secret most of you couldn't see them. But watch out now because they'll all be on here soon!

  Here's the first:

  Monday, July 06, 2009

  Dear Baby Swafford #1,

  Let me tell you a story. It will likely be the first story you ever hear because as soon as your little ears have fully developed, I'm going to tell you this tale. It's a true story, a miraculous testimony, and completely your own.

  You're a little young for learning the birds and the bees, but I do know that your little Earthly tabernacle began to grow on the 7th of June. A Sunday. I don't remember the weather or what I learned in church that day but I'm pretty sure your daddy and I snuck out two hours early while your Uncle Joey was still in Sunday school. We do that occasionally in an effort to have some alone time together. I'm glad we did because once you make your marvelous entrance into the atmosphere we will happily give away our private time for as many weeks or months as you require.

  The day of your creation was a happy, exciting time. We were eagerly awaiting our summer family vacation and I could hardly contain my excitement. I spent my days constructing lists, one for me, one for Daddy, and one for Uncle Joey. l spent my evenings packing clothes, sunscreen, hair products and everything else that our little family needs for a magical journey. Me and your Uncle Joey flew to Orlando on the 10th, the same day as your Papa Henry's 50th birthday. I, along with the rest of the world, was completely unaware that I was carrying an extra passenger on the plane...

  You see, your Daddy and I had wanted to bring you to our family for many months, but we had to keep changing our plans because of various family situations. Your Uncle Joey needed our help, and we knew you wouldn't mind waiting a little while so that we could make sure he'd be cared for in the best possible environment. I know Uncle Joey seems big and grown up to you now, but he still has a lot of growing and learning to do. I also know you will love him dearly and you'll be so glad that he is around to play with you and teach you fun stuff like how to blow raspberries or say things that will embarrass your Mommy in public.

  Even though we knew you would come someday, we had waited so long that we began to wonder if we would have to wait even longer. So as I rode the Tower of Terror six times, felt the boom of the fireworks of Illuminations, and pulled a few G's on Mission Space, I had no clue that you were already enjoying your first Disney World vacation! But don't worry if you feel like you missed out, after all, you were only a tiny little ball of baby matter. We will take you there plenty of times in the future once you have the sensory capabilities of enjoying and remembering it. Promise.

  While in Florida we went to visit your Uncle Brad and Aunt Niki in Tampa. I sat out on the beach for hours, watching your four little cousins play in the sand and splash in the beautiful turquoise water. I was dreaming of the day that I could bring you to such a fun place. I had no idea that you were already there! I sat with Aunt Niki and told her how we were trying to bring you here again and that I hoped we would not have to wait much longer. But you were already here. You are so sneaky!

  After our fabulous week in Florida we went up to the Washington DC area to visit your great-grandparents, Pop and Grandma. While we were there we rode the Metro train to visit our country's majestic capital. Every night when we came home I felt totally exhausted and retired to dreamland early. I thought the excitement of the museums and memorials had worn me out, but it was actually just you needing my energy to help you grow. Grandma even mentioned a few times that I seemed quiet, tired, and unlike myself. I guess she was right! Grandmas usually are.

  Here's a funny side story for you. One day while in the National Art Museum, your Daddy managed to get us kicked out. He had an illegal bottle of water and a control freak security guard on a power trip ordered us to leave the building. I was so angry at your Daddy for breaking the rules and causing me to miss the exhibits I was looking forward to the most. I didn't speak to him for the rest of the day. I can laugh about it now, knowing that the hormonal changes you need to make my body tissues soften around you also make me moody.

  The week in DC quickly came to a close, and we came back down to North Carolina for a few days. We were busy, but in my spare time I liked to sit on the couch and play some Wii. Every time I was sound asleep within minutes, Wiimote still in hand. Everyone laughed at me as I laid with my mouth hanging open, snoring softly on the sofa. They thought I was just lazy, but we were hard at work, weren't we? At least Daddy thought we were cute.

  For dinner one evening, I begged and begged your Grandma Susie to make me some famous North Carolina Bright Leaf hotdogs. I love those! (PS- if you don't know who Grandma Susie is, it's because you probably call her something else that you made up. I'm hoping you'll call her G-ma because I think that's cool.) So G-ma went and bought a bag of red hot dogs for dinner and I asked for three. As the whole family sat down to dinner, I couldn't wait to smother that bright crimson dog in ketchup and have a southern fried feast.

  But I guess you don't like Bright Leaf hotdogs. As soon as I brought one close to my face I felt my tummy rumble dangerously. The scent peaked my gag reflex like I'd never felt before. I asked if they smelled bad to anyone else, but apparently it was just me. Your Daddy and Aunts were all eating their hotdogs with no qualms. I wondered what was wrong with me and forced myself to take a bite. It was awful. The smell of the hotdog made me so sick, but I couldn't turn my back on those three beautiful hotdogs G-ma made for us! I decided to choke down another bite, but it was not to be. As soon as that smell entered my nose and mouth again, I dashed for the bathroom, ignoring the surprised faces around me, and threw it all up. You really don't like red hot dogs. And now, I don't think I like them much either.

  Everyone at the table exchanged exasperated glances and rolled their eyes. I could hear them musing from the dining room, "Wasn't Amanda the one who begged for Bright Leaf hotdogs?....What is wrong with her?...She's so weird." They assumed I was being dramatic, as I have a tendency to be at times, but I knew something was off in those hotdogs. I didn't realize that it was not the hot dogs that were different, it was me! So don't worry, I won't try to feed you another red hot dog anytime soon. It's not your fault, I know you were just trying to build your little circulatory system, and I know hot dogs are not the best fuel for that kind of job.

  Your Daddy went back home to Utah that evening because he had to work the next day. As I mulled over the hot dog incident while driving to the airport, the thought did cross my mind that maybe you were with me, but I immediately and sadly discarded the idea. Every pregnancy test I'd ever taken had been negative, and I thought I'd missed my opportunity that month due to the packing and preparations for the vacation. I figured I was just experiencing a heightened sense of smell as I usually do during certain times of the month.

  I asked your dear Daddy just out of curiosity, "What if we were separated and I found out I was pregnant? Would you rather my family know and then me tell you in person when we are together, or would you rather hear it sooner over the phone?"

  He said he'd rather hear it over the phone but I complained that was rather lame and impersonal. He persisted but I told him it didn't matter because I wasn't pregnant anyways.

  Three days later, I couldn't get the possibility of your presence out of my mind. I was a week late for my feminine cycles, but that was not out of the ordinary for me. I've always been irregular, but since we had been trying to make you for the last several months, I'd been consistently around 30 days. It was day 37. I wondered if things were actually different this time. But only for a moment.

  We went to Las Brisas with Uncle Charlie and Aunt Debbie. Somehow the conversation moved to babies and I shyly dismissed the idea that we may be having one anytime soon. But immediately afterwards, I asked mom to take us to the store to pick up a cheap Dollar Tree pregnancy test. I didn't want to waste any money on an expensive test since I had convinced myself that it was impossible for me to be growing you, a little sesame seed, inside my belly.

  The next morning I woke up feeling a little weird and sick. I mentioned it to your Aunt McKayla, who was sleeping with me since your Daddy was away. I thought about the unopened pregnancy test in the nightstand next to me. For 20 minutes I let myself wonder if I was actually pregnant and then talked myself out of it again with as much logic as I could come up with. I debated whether to waste another test at all. Finally I decided to just do it. I pulled on a shirt and went to the guest bathroom next to my room.

  I read the instructions on the test packaging even though I had memorized them long ago. I carefully completed the task and delicately placed the strip on the edge of the sink. I tried not to stare at it but nothing else in the room could hold my attention. After two minutes, there was nothing. My heart sank. It was the first time I'd ever really been disappointed by a negative result. Deep down I felt like if any time was different, it was this time. I almost threw it away right then but I decided to wait one more minute. I opened the window shades slightly and stared out the window at the green lawns and trees of the neighborhood I grew up in. I thought about golf carts and trampolines, imaginary games and childhood friends.

  I glanced half-heartedly at the strip and...sweet mercy...thought I could see the faintest hint of a second line! I tried not to get over excited because I had imagined such things before only to be disappointed upon further inspection. I pulled the shades open wider to allow more light onto the test. This was no illusion. There was certainly a second line. It was light, but it was there. I blinked several times to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. It was still there. And seemed to be getting darker.

  My mind flew in all directions. I thought to myself, "Two lines means yes right? This IS a pregnancy test and not an ovulation test?" I double checked the packaging. Yep, it was a pregnancy test, unless it was in the wrong box, which I figured was possible at the Dollar Tree.

  I immediately called G-ma who was just finishing up a leisurely breakfast with Papa Henry at Triangle Waffle. I think the conversation went a little like this:

  Me: "Mom! Mom! Can you buy me another pregnancy test? A good brand? Like, now?"

  G-ma: "Why? Oh! Wait, really?"

  Me: "Yes! I'm not sure though. It's very faint and it's a cheap test and I know a false positive is like, impossible, but I need further confirmation! Don't tell ANYONE!"

  G-ma: "Not even your Daddy?"

  Me: "No, not even Dad. Not until I'm sure."

  G-ma: "Alright."

  So G-ma gave some excuse to Papa Henry, and they came by the house before getting the new test. I showed her the Dollar Tree test. The second line had gotten even darker, but it still paled in comparison to the control line. She was pretty convinced that it was definitive proof, but I wasn't sure. I just couldn't believe it and I didn't want to get too excited yet. I was already sweating and my hands were shaking from the mere possibility of your existence. She went to Walmart and picked up a box of two First Response tests. I considered waiting for the next morning, when your little clues are most concentrated, but decided to use one immediately, and save the other for the morning if needed.

  I very slowly and cautiously completed the test using a cup since I didn't trust my nervous aim, and G-ma and Aunt Lauren came in to watch the results appear as I dunked the test strip in the cup. The answer was immediate. As soon as the fluid crossed over the little window, there were two bright pink lines staring back at us. There was no waiting three minutes, or even ten seconds. And there was no denying it. I was 100% with child. With you.

  I still worried. I couldn't tell your Daddy that I was pregnant and be wrong. I asked G-ma if she thought there was any possibility it was a mistake. She asked if I'd ever made two lines appear before, and I said no. "Then you're definitely pregnant," she said. Right. Pregnant. Me. Whoa. I felt like I had magical pee.

  I realized your Daddy was finally going to be given the opportunity to be the amazing father I know he will be. I briefly considered waiting until I got to Utah to share the news. I wanted to see his face, his tears, feel his arms hugging me tight. But I remembered his wishes and I couldn't wait to tell him anyway. It was just too thrilling!

  I gathered everyone into the living room and told them to wait until I got Jeremy on the phone because I had an announcement. G-ma and Aunt Lauren already knew, Aunt McKayla and Aunt Chelsea were rather suspicious because of all the commotion in the bathroom, Papa Henry was catching on, and Uncle Joey was completely clueless.

  Your Daddy answered the phone on the fourth and final ring, and sounded rather sleepy. I had forgotten that it was his day off and he wouldn't be at work. What a relief that I could tell him while he was in bed with Mr. Potter and not in a noisy room surrounded by coworkers. I asked him how he was doing and if he was awake yet. Then I let him know that I had something to tell him and that I was putting him on speakerphone.

  As I went to tell him, I realized I still didn't believe it myself.

  Me: "We...may...be having a baby."

  Daddy: "What?"

  G-ma: "You're gonna confuse him! Just tell him!"

  Me: "I'm pregnant?"

  Daddy: :pause: :pause: :pause: "What?"

  Me: "I'm pregnant!"

  Daddy: "For real?"

  Me: "Yes! Really."

  Uncle Joey: "What?! Pregnant!?! I thought you were gonna tell us you could walk again!"

  Haha, isn't that funny? Your Uncle Joey's guess was way off. You are way better than walking anyways.

  I took your Daddy off speakerphone and went to the bedroom to have a few private moments with him. I started gushing about taking one cheap test and then the other. Your Daddy said he was really tired and wondered whether he was dreaming. I spent another five minutes convincing him it was true and real. We were having a baby. We ARE having a baby.

  We chatted for a long while, mostly still in shock and unable to think of what it meant. Slowly I began thinking things like, "....big belly....labor....due date!"

  So then I had to stop and calculate my due date with a nifty little app on my iPhone. March 2nd. Wow. I knew because I will have high risk pregnancies, I would probably have a scheduled induction a week or two early. So that means mid to late February. You could be here before I even turn 24!

  "....maternity clothes....baby names....Olivia....Tyson....car seat...stroller...baby clothes" Our minds began to feel overloaded as we imagined all the possibilities and new things we were headed for. I literally couldn't hold it all in my head at once.

  I got off the phone and sat numb for a while. I remembered I had to finish packing because we were headed for South Carolina for a wedding that day. I gathered as much as I could think of, (forgetting lots of stuff) and we began packing the car. I started thinking about how lots of little things were starting to make sense, like the fatigue, and the nausea. My brain was still in overdrive, "...diapers....breastfeeding....childproofing....high chairs...prenatal vitamins!"

  I rushed back in the house. I hadn't brought my prenatal vitamins with me. I had been taking them on and off for a while just in case you were to show up unexpectedly. My mom had some women's vitamins that were sufficient in Folic Acid so I figured that was good enough and I took one immediately. I got in the car, thinking about all the foods and drinks I couldn't or shouldn't drink anymore. Brain overload again.

  At that moment I was so grateful that I had never drank a sip of alcohol, never puffed a single cigarette or even hung out in smoky bars, and never tried any illegal or dangerous drugs. Mostly grateful because that meant that I also hadn't done any of those things while you and I were sharing meals. I thought back over the last three weeks and realized that the worst things that you, my little baby, had been ever exposed to were a few roller coasters, the occasional caffeinated soda, and one Excedrin. Not too bad. It was such a relief to not have anything to worry about. I realized I already loved you fiercely, and would do whatever necessary to protect you and help you grow as strong and healthy as possible, no matter how much I would miss my Pepsi or medium rare steak.

  We went to Smithfield's Chicken n' BBQ for lunch as we made our way down to South Carolina. I forgot to order a drink, and absentmindedly took a few sips of my sister's Coke. Agh! Coke! I had already forgotten. I felt a little guilty and got a cup of water. I knew I hadn't caused you any harm, but looked it up on my phone anyway. According to most doctors, two servings of caffeinated beverages a day are just fine. That made me feel a little better. I'm still not gonna be buying a case of Mountain Dew anytime soon, but it's reassuring that a slip up or indulgence here and there are alright.

  We talked about you the whole way to Charleston and checked into the hotel. Your extended family is so excited for your arrival. Papa Henry is already trying to get us to move back to the East Coast at Christmas and G-ma is making travel plans to be here when you make your debut. Your Aunts are looking forward to caring for you and Uncle Joey is probably looking most forward to baby-sitting money.

  My parents wanted to go to a Japanese Steakhouse for dinner. I went along and had a great meal. My favorite part was when our cook asked if we were celebrating anything. I couldn't resist. I gleefully shouted, "I'm pregnant!" It was so liberating and exciting to tell someone. Daddy and I decided not to tell anyone about you yet, you will be our special little secret, but I figured a stranger I would never see again would be okay.

  I ate lots of rice, and a little bit of filet mignon to celebrate. I ordered it medium, forgetting the well-done meats rule. I tried to just eat the more done pieces, and it was soooo good. But I guess you didn't like it much once it got down into your real estate. I went to bed feeling great at 11:00pm but had a rather rude awakening in the hotel room around 2:15am. I guess you were taking your morning sickness duties seriously because you did not waste any time! I threw up five times. And then I cried a little. Yes, it was miserable there for a while, but it was so exciting to know that you were in there and still growing and wreaking havoc on my insides. I texted Jeremy and told him that he was missing my first bout of morning sickness.

  I called my mom over from the next room, and she helped me get set up with a puke bucket and went to the front desk to get me some popsicles and snacks to fight off the waves of nausea. It really helped. I haven't thrown up again so far. (But it's only been two days.)

  It took me a while to go back to sleep. I was so amazed that I was actually experiencing what all the other millions of pregnant women have gone through. For the first time, I felt like I could almost believe that I was really pregnant. It was all so staggering and phenomenal that I couldn't process it. I laid there in disbelief. And then, as I listened to the rumbling air condition unit, it dawned on me, "I'm going to be a MOMMY." It felt so powerful and wonderful. So strange and new. I had been so excited about Jeremy being a Daddy, I had forgotten that I was going to be a Mommy. It was like a revelation from heaven. I wanted to laugh and cry. I was excited and terrified. Mom. Mommy. Mother. The most beautiful word in the world. I can't believe that soon it will be my name. I only hope that I can live up to it. And I can't wait! How do pregnant women just go on with their lives knowing about this wonder happening in their belly? I'm so captivated by it that it's all I can do to remember to eat and breathe. I hope I won't ever take this process for granted. Even though its uncomfortable at best and miserable at worst, I am so grateful.

  Each day since then has been more intense. Both emotionally and physically. I developed this weird burning in my throat. It was nothing I'd ever felt before. After some googling, I discovered that it was heartburn. Real heartburn! Turns out pregnant women experience heartburn because the progesterone that makes the uterus soften also allows the valve between the stomach and esophagus to soften and open, letting acids seep up. I know that's a lot of words you don't understand, but for me, it was another beautiful confirmation that you are actually in there and doing what you're supposed to do. Isn't that a miracle? You amaze me.

  I keep having little revelations like that every day. "...baby food...stretch marks....baby shoes...bibs...burp cloths..." I want it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

  I embrace the fatigue now, instead of struggling to fight it off with a good Wii game. I take naps for several hours a day, and I still have to go to bed early. I don't want to be a party pooper, but I do want to get plenty of rest so that you can do what you need to do. My body is not my own anymore. I sleep, I eat, I hydrate, I gently exercise all for you. I was dieting until I found out about you, but now I eat whatever I feel will make you big and strong. I don't even mind being fat if that's what it takes. I feel totally differently about my body. It's yours.

  I feel like your Daddy and I have finally fulfilled the divine purpose of our complementary bodies and personalities. You are the product of our love and devotion to each other. You are the result of the commitments and covenants we have made with each other and with our Heavenly Father. I can already feel our love growing for each other and our Lord as it grows for you.

  Tiny Baby Swafford, I am truly and absolutely honored that your little spirit has come down to Earth to reside here in my belly for the next 7 1/2 months. I can't wait to find out if you'll be a boy or a girl, to feel you kick and squirm inside me, to see your cute little face. I can't imagine the joy of watching your Daddy care for you and love you, your Uncle and Aunts making you laugh, your grandparents spoiling you completely rotten. I think you'll like it here with us.

  I'm so glad you're here. See you soon.

  • 8:10 pm
  • 3 Comments