March 2, 2009

• Holding it together...

  Well, last night I just cried and cried. Finally, I put Crookshanks up on the bed with us and he snuggled in behind my knees in his favorite spot. He never slept as far as I could tell. I hadn't seen him sleep since he got hurt. I only got a few hours of sleep, and woke up at 4:00am. Crookshanks was just sitting in the bathroom, and he started throwing up water. That exhausted him further and he crawled to his water bowl and just drank water intermittently. Jeremy had to go to work at 6, but the poor little guy just got worse and worse. I could tell he was tired, but he couldn't lay his head down to sleep because it was too painful. He was just nodding over his water bowl. I called Jeremy to come back home and we took him to the vet for the last time. We wrapped him in towels and held him in the car instead of putting him in his travel carrier. That seemed to calm him and make him feel better. We got a second opinion from our vet (he had been out of town when we had to take Crookshanks to the vet on Saturday morning.) He gave the same diagnosis and said the kindest thing we could do for him would be to let him go.

  So we did and we cried some more. I rubbed his ears the whole time and stayed with him until he was gone. He didn't whimper when he got the shot or anything. I think he was ready to go. It was really very quick. By the time the doctor finished injecting all the stuff he seemed to be sleeping. (Finally! I know he was exhausted. I don't think he had much left in him anyway. I was terrified that he was going to die on the bathroom floor by his water bowl.) Then the doctor checked for a heartbeat and he was gone. Nothing dramatic, which I was thankful for. I couldn't bear to watch him gasp or anything. He just went to sleep and finally closed his eyes. I felt so relieved immediately and very calm. I know we did the right thing now.

  One of my biggest worries was that I would regret my decision but I just feel better knowing that he's not suffering anymore. Both doctors said there was nothing they or we could do that would give him any kind of normal quality of life. I felt at peace as soon as Crookshanks took his last breath. Watching him in misery was far worse than watching him die.

  We came home and had a family prayer for Crookshanks, thanking the Lord for blessing us with him. We prayed for Mr. Potter, that he will not be lonely or depressed, and prayed for ourselves. I always knew losing one of them would be tough, but it has been far worse than I imagined. Even though I know we made the right decision, there is still this gloomy cloud over everything. The house just feels different without Crookshanks getting into trouble.

  My priority now is Mr. Potter. I'm worried about him. For the last week while Crookshanks has been sick, Mr. Potter has been more clingy. I just hope he adjusts well. I'm not going to be ready for another pet for a while, this has been too upsetting and emotionally draining. But I do hope that someday we can get a new friend for Mr. Potter. It just doesn't seem right having him by himself. They were always a pair.

  I'll have to make a little tribute post to Crookshanks later. I'm way behind in school and with my Disney stuff right now.

  • 12:09 pm
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